Why I Am Who I Am..."

Ok well this is the history part that I promised in part 2, about the years between starting with a Chastity Device, and the time I got hurt. So not long after I had gotten the plastic Curve CB, and separated from my very last girlfriend, I felt there was something missing. Now please forgive me as I go back thru these posts and ensure times and things are all correct, as this was all written directly from memory in a hurried manner.

So this thing that was missing, was someone to play with the CB with me. In my case, being gay, that would be a Master. So I spent time online meeting others, when I came across a guy in Montana, not far from me, who was a Master looking for a slave. After months of talking, going over limits, rules, and more, I decided I needed that added control. So I submitted to his control. Over the next 14 months, I spent ever moment as if I were a live-in slave, and despite the distance, things worked well. My webcams were always on for him to see what I was up to, always locked in the CB with play sessions at times, wore a small leather collar for training, and even my daily schedules were approved. I spent time for him doing things from training with plugs, to self bondage, to working out, etc. He was an incredible man, a great Master, my Master Kyle. As time went by, he would come to visit a few times a month, and we would do particularly hard training while he was here in person. As the months went by, I grew to trust and love him more and more. After about 14 months of training, he had called me, asking me to get some piercings and a tattoo he wanted. While the tattoo was ok with me, those particular piercings were ones that scared me to no end, an ampallang and an apadravya. Essentially vertical and horizontal piercings thru the cock head. They scared me, the pain I feared. However, because of my training, I made the appointment for the next day, and that morning was ready to go do it. I got in the car and began to drive to my appointment for a vicious session of one tattoo and 2 wicked piercings. I was nervous and scared. The piercing place was about 2 hours away. Of course I was talking to my Master on the cell phone on and off during the drive. About half way, he called me and said "Turn around and go home, call me when you get there!" I did as I was told, now in total confusion, fearing I had done or said something wrong. I drove home, in total fear, no long fear of pain, but fear of disappointment of my Master. I got home, he saw me on the webcam, and I called. He then shocked me, saying "Boy, you would have done what scared you because your Master desired it. You have completed your training, you are now a full boy, I am so proud of you, in time we will have a proper collaring ceremony for you. I have called and cancelled the appointment at the tattoo and piercing place. I am so proud of you and love you!" Then he added the line that to this day still tears at my heart... "Welcome to the family, welcome home boy!"

In that moment I was stunned, going from fear, to elation, to realization. Over the next few days I was in heaven, happy about the news, glad I was pleasing my Master, and was excited about the collaring ceremony to come. For weeks, I worried about the ceremony, wondering when, and how, and where it would take place. I researched what was to come online, talked to others, and more. I knew it was a big moment in my life, and would be an emotional moment as well. About a month after hearing my Masters comment about being done with training, he called me and told me that in 4 weeks, I was to come to his home in Montana for my ceremony. This was unusual, as the normal thing was to come here to my home instead for training and time together, I had never been to his home. Very little was said over the next few weeks, I spent time preparing myself for what was to come. Then the fateful trip. I got in the car, driving to his home, a few hours away in Montana, worrying, agonizing the whole time. I did not want to screw it up. When I arrived at his home, a non-descript place in the outskirts of a small town, I was shown in and spent some time with my Master, serving to his needs, and then being lead to a small room on the back of the house where he had a small dungeon setup. It was then I realized just how truly into this all he was. We did some stuff in the small dungeon room for a while, then retired to his room, where I got the unusual pleasure of sleeping in my Master's bed with him. I went to sleep that night, my last night as a free boy, cuddled next to the most special man in my life.

The next morning I awoke early, and was waiting, in position, for my Master to wake. He was not really a breakfast person, I none of that stuff was necessary. After some chat, and stuff, he took me back to the dungeon, and strapped me onto a St. Andrews Cross, put a hood over my head, and then played some, then left me. While in that room you cannot hear anything happening around you. I was there perhaps an hour or two tops, bound, waiting. Some time later he came and released me, and thats when I finally learned what he had been up to. Just being in his presence calmed me, as often happens around those we love. He escorted me, with leather cuffs on my wrists and ankles, and with my leather collar on, outside, on the rear patio of the home. As I walked out the door, naked, with just those cuffs and my plastic CB on, I had a sudden shock, there were dozens of people there, some I knew, others I didnt. People from the community for sure, a few were friends of mine that lived close as well. As I was escorted out onto the patio, the entire group rose. Now I am not sure what standard procedure is, but this I took as a sign of respect for my Master, and perhaps some for me. We walked to where a small table sat with a cloth cover, the day was just right, about 75 degrees, sunny, just a tiny breeze... Perfect! As I neared the table, I stopped and kneeled, but was stopped before I got all the way down, by a gentle hand from my Master, telling me for the moment to remain standing. He removed my leather collar and cuffs, and there I stood, CB only, in front of dozens of people, but my eyes remained locked on my Master's. Then the ceremony began, and I can vividly remember every word. My Master began, "Welcome my dearest friends and family, today you are here to witness the collaring of a wonderful boy who has proven he has what it takes to be my slave." He continued, "Brandon, today, here on this wonderful day, you stand here in front of me, your friends and others as a free man, if you choose to accept my collar, you choose to be my boy faithfully and obediently, without any reservations. Do you understand the importance of these statements, and know what your decision is?" With a large lump in my throat, and barely able to speak, I managed to kinda croak "Yes Master Kyle, I understand fully, and have made my choice." Then it was time for me to shine and prove that it was meant to be.

I took a deep breath, and kneeled right there, and in a clear, strong voice repeated the oath I had practiced for weeks... "I, slave Brandon, fully knowing and understanding my choice, fully and wholly give you, my Master all I have of myself. I promise to obey, love and serve to the very best of my abilities, and wish to be your slave for the rest of my life." The reason I had kneeled was actually more to keep myself from collapsing as I was shaking so hard as these lines came out, but it was also in part to honor my Master. I can faintly remember some applause, then my Master removed the cloth covering the table, and there lay a beautiful steel collar. As the applause died down, he picked up the collar, then said "As a sign of my love and ownership of you, my boy, I present you with my collar." He stepped around behind me, and for the first time I felt that collar fit around my neck, then heard the lock snap close. Some say that moment can change a person, and I will agree totally. In that one second, I went from confused, to a calm, settled, loved boy with the most wonderful Master I could ask for. The sound of that lock was like my old life snapping shut and being pushed away, and my new life beginning. I know there was applause, but I do not remember hearing it. The shock to my system was not over yet however. My Master then asked me to rise and stand at attention next to him. I did as fast as I could, and already beaming with pride, and a big smile on my face, hurried to get into his preferred position. I stood there, and got the largest shock of my life though, when my Master announced the following, "Now here in front of you friends and family, I present to you the latest addition to the family, my Alpha Slave!" That was me??? Alpha??? No way that could be me!

I remember looking at my Master, he had a huge grin on his face, and nodded to me that it was indeed true. I knew he had a few other boys he trained remotely, and some he trained in the past were in the crowd. The cheers and applause was nearly deafening. Then, he dismissed everyone for some food and drinks. I was kind of in that moment where you are stunned, cant talk, do not have a clue what just happened, and my only concern was to remain standing there at attention, despite tremors running up and down my body. When I did not move from my position, even though I was visibly shaking, as people were starting to get up and mill around, my Master walked over, told me to relax, and that today was my day, that today, I was free to socialize, and that today I was not to worry about serving at all. Then he pulled me inside the door of the house off the patio, hugged me hard, and as I sat there in his arms, tears formed in my eyes, and my legs went weak. My Master caught me, full weight, and lowered me to the floor as I nearly passed out, overcome with emotion. He sat there with me a few moments, holding on to me, and told me "Do not worry Alpha, I will never let you go!" That was me... Alpha. When I regained enough to sit up on my own, just a few moments in time, he said "Sit here, I will be right back..." He walked off into the house, and returned with a small mirror, and held it for me to see, me, there with my permanent Alpha collar locked on. The emotion overtook me again, and more tears, not of fear, not of pain, just tears of pure joy. This was the proudest moment of my life!

Eventually after about 5-10 minutes, I got up off the floor, and Master Kyle and I went back out into the crowd on the patio. I met so many people, family members (his brother was also a gay Master, and was there with 2 of his slave boys), my friends that came, and some of my Masters former boys and other friends. I spent probably 2 hours, meeting everyone, shaking hands, exchanging hugs, and showing off my collar. In that time, I was the center of attention. Not a spot I am used to by any means. the few hours there felt like no time at all, and soon people began to depart, all of them walking first to thank my Master, then to say their last words to me, and congratulate me. As the last people departed, my Master and I went inside, most everything having been cleaned up already by my Master's brother's boys. We went in, and entered the living room, my Master flopped on the sofa, and I kneeled next to him, as I normally would. He looked at me and said "please stop that, today is YOUR day, come sit, relax, I know it has been a crazy day." Crazy day would be the understatement. I took his command though, and moved to sit on the couch, and worn out from the day, fell asleep there in his arms. I was the happiest boy on earth that night. We both slept there on the couch, both too tired from the events of the day to move. As usual I woke early, and things returned to normal that day, me back in my normal role. After a few more days, some bondage, some chores, and stuff, I returned to my home, wondering what lie in store.

Days progressed much the same as they had before, just that he called me Alpha only now instead of my name. My birth name was no longer of use in that relationship. In fact it was rare that I used my real name, only with family and legal stuff. Over the next 2 months, I followed orders and returned to my life as usual, 24/7 contact with my Master, just over some distance. I got to spend 3 weekends with him during those 2 months, time I cherished wholly. Then one day, nearly 2 months after my collaring, life once again changed in a big way.

It was a Saturday, I needed to run my errands in town, a planned for event, usually taking about an hour or so of time. I woke that day, saw to things around the house, spent time talking to my Master, then got dressed, and into the car for the run into town to get groceries for the week, and a few other quick errands. While I was gone my Master had planned to go on a short drive. It was still summer, and a beautiful day. He had a nice late 1960's land-yacht convertible, a beast of a car, that he loved driving in the summers. So as I left to drive to town, he left to drive around the area where he lived. It took me about 45 minutes to get what I needed, and get back in the car. Just as I put the car into drive to head home, I had one of those moments where you get the willies, that shiver up your spine, that feeling of dread. I shook it off as just an odd moment, and drove home. When I got there, I messaged my Master online, and put the groceries away real fast. Then returned and sat in front of the computer, with the webcam on of course, waiting on my Master. Several times in the past he would go take a drive and it could be a few hours. I was expected to be waiting on him when he returned though. I sent one more message confirming that I was sitting there, and awaiting his return. I sat, and sat, first an hour went by, then two. By 3 hours I began to get worried, but remained where I was, only getting up and away to go to the bathroom, then would return and sit again. I continued to sit there, waiting, and growing more and more desperate and worried as the hours went by. Day turned to night, but I remained there, eventually so tired that I was dozing sitting at the keyboard. All that next day I sat there, by now a frantic mess. I had messaged his brother, and let him know I had not heard from my Master now in a while, quite literally a day... He said to just stay where I was, and that he would contact people, and the police if necessary to figure out where he was if he was not home. So I continued to sit and wait, nothing else I could do, that was my orders. Late that second night, the phone rang. I hoped I would hear my Master, and some silly story about the car stopping on him or something, but instead the voice was one I barely knew. The words echo in my head even still, a decade later... It was my Masters brother.... "Alpha, he is gone!"

After some explanation, with me being frantic, wanting to just break something, not believing that my Master, the one I loved and trusted and cared for, was gone, my Master's brother said he would call when he knew more, and to get some sleep. By then I had not slept for 40 hours of waiting, with some slight naps in there, plus the hours of the day before when I was running errands and stuff. I was laying on the floor, having been awake for 48 or more hours, crying, sobbing hysterically, when sleep finally at some point overtook me. I am still not sure how long I lay there on the floor, but when I came to, I was laying in my bed, 2 of my best friends from the town I lived in sitting at my bedside. I woke, and first thought that came to mine, was it all a dream? Then as it began to sink in, I began to cry again. This time at least I had friends there to help me. They did their best to get info, to keep me calm, get me food, and more. I didnt leave my master bedroom/bathroom for days, I know that much. As details came to light, I had several conversations with my Master's brother, and found out that while he was out driving, he came around a bend in the road, and was hit head-on, by a drunk teenage kid in a truck who was passing in a no-passing area. Generally I am not one to wish harm on someone, but this kid had survived, my Master had not. Yes the kid was paralyzed, and laying in a hospital, and was going to face some serious charges and eventually time in jail, but I wanted him dead, for killing my Master.

About a week later, we had a small service on the back patio of my Master's home, his ashes then buried in the back yard under a small stone marker, just as he wanted. Most of that trip, that service, I do not remember, but one thing that I do remember is while sitting there in my Master's home, with his brother, I was engaged in some conversation, about what now? My Master's brother offered me the Alpha spot in his group, but that was not something I could even think of doing at that point. I went from my absolute highest and proudest moment, to just 2 months later having to go thru hell, and burying my Master who was now gone. After I refused the spot in my Master's brother's group, he presented me with the key that would open my collar, and told me to keep in touch, and that I was welcome to visit any time. I left that home the last time, once again a free man, and not happy about that in the least. For months I kept my collar on, put the key in a drawer. When finally I was called and asked to attend the will reading, as there had been something left to me. I drove up to Montana and stayed in a motel that night, went to the will reading, and was actually left 2 things in the will. First was the collar I was wearing, which I had never pondered that it didn't belong to me, but oh well, then I was also left a check made out to Mistress Lori for one of her CB's, as just prior to my Master's passing he had updated his will. We had been talking about me getting a PA, and one of her devices just before my Master was killed. I came home with a check, and my collar, and not sure I could have felt worse at that time. Even in death he wanted to ensure that I knew he loved me but that I had been a slave. It took me weeks to finally figure out what I needed to do, and I ordered my Lori Tube, just as we had talked about. It wasnt costing me anything, so why not, and after all, that was what my Master wanted.

Well that is where the other history picks up, I had ordered the tube, gotten a PA, and tried to move on with my life. My bumpy road was not about to get smoother for a long long time. I wore that collar for probably 2 more years before I felt that taking it off was ok, and as for the lori, I still have it today, and wore it just prior to getting my new neosteel. They are both special items to me. That particular collar I can hardly wear today due to all the hardware in my neck. In fact, that is why I ordered the new Neosteel collar, because I felt that would be a fitting tribute to my Master, and would continue to remind me that as of now, I am still Alpha!

Well It's Here!

Two weeks ago, my new neosteel belt and collar arrived. I haven't posted yet, as I have been so busy. There have been tons of developments though. The belt fits incredibly. I am adapting to a full belt again, and as each day goes by, I have refined the fit to where I think I am there or at least very close. I am also dealing with wearing my neosteel collar all the time. I have only had it off a few times. Wearing it out in public was very much a non-event. People looked of course, but its not too crazy looking to be horrible. I have even had a few comments that were guys wanting to get one and wondered where I got it. I was all too happy to share of course.

Being locked in a full belt is such a step up from the Lori Tube. Don't mistake what I am saying, the Lori Tube is an AWESOME chastity device that has served me very well over the years, and who knows when it may be needed again. But the differences are astounding. No night-time erections waking you up, no pain in the balls, none of that. In fact, while both are 100% secure, there are some pros and cons to each. For the Neosteel, its about night time erection pain, long term comfort, and the undeniable feeling of total control, but it has one flaw, and that is there are certain limits in terms of physical activity with the body. I hope to be able to play golf in this belt, but have yet to try. The Lori Tube on the other hand is awesome in terms of very little body restriction, and lets face it, the tube reminds you of its presence at the slightest arousal. Its weaknesses come in the form of the night time erection pain, and pressure that can cause some discomfort. Both are secure, both remind you without doubt of your station in life, one is more comfortable in active life, and one is more comfortable at night.

As for the collar, well it is secure, comfortable, and feels natural locked in place. Both the belt and collar feel natural, really reminding me of my past, of my life... even reminding me of a time I have not covered in my history here, because it was too painful to share. I will try to share it in a followup post. As for how things will go with KH's or a Master, time will tell. I will take the next 3-4 weeks or so to continue to adapt to the belt before I even consider turning over keys to someone. Right now it looks like its probably going to be my 2 best friends who will keep my keys, but that is still up in the air. While I do need the security, I am not going to risk friendships over the belt or collar. Now that I have the belt and am adapting, I will work on the fine details. Neosteel sure did well on this belt, granted I know for sure how to measure, and I think that is where most people have failed in full belts, is not knowing how they should fit, or where to measure, even if shown a video. Also no full belt will fit out of the box. It takes weeks, sometimes even a few months to fine-tune the fit of the belt, small bends here and there, trying to get the pressures even and the fit just right. I sometimes see people who have gotten a belt, and within a week have said it doesnt work, citing the makers faults, and not even considering that the measurements could have been off, or the belt would fit right with some small bends, etc. About the only way a belt will fit right out of the box, is if you sit there thru each and every stage of the manufacture of it, and make sure the fit is right at each stage. Also people need to be aware that the body will need time to adjust to the belt itself. You just do not put on a new full belt and have it fit right the first time. Even ordering a new belt from the same company and same model, these rules are the same, the body will need time to adapt to the subtle differences in the new belt.

Anyways, I will try to add some new posts on the fit, on how things are progressing as time goes on over the next few weeks. I will also add a history of the past that has been too painful to share up until now, as it has some basis in this current feelings. Until then... I am outta here!

No News Is... Agonizing

Well I haven't written for a little bit, not a whole lot here has changed. I am still waiting for my new Neosteel. I expect it sometime in the next 3-4 weeks hopefully. Other than that, am still locked down 100% in the Lori Tube. It gets frustrating and tormenting at times. It has now been over a month since I "played" (May 15th 2010). I have been in fairly constant turmoil about my new belt, and the term it means once on. On my bad days I sit here thinking "what the hell are you thinking?!?!" while on the better days I am excited, albeit nervous about the new belt and impending long term lockdown. I have been seeking advice from many friends, asking what they think, am I doing the right thing, and it seems there must be a conspiracy to keep me locked for good. Every one of my friends has said that I need to be locked indefinitely, that I am doing the right thing, to suck it up and deal with it, and other comments along the same lines. Not one friend has said "well I would not do it, or do something much less". Only a few even seemed to think I needed a "release clause" in my agreement. The others have said that I need to trust my KH's to do the right thing, and trust that if I really needed out due to some major depression or injury, that they would let me out if needed. That is the hardest point in all of this, trust. I have been hurt emotionally times by supposed friends that it makes me more wary of trust. I do trust my KH friends with my life totally, and for some reason that is easier than trusting anyone with my keys. At this point though, it seems that is the only option, to give up the keys to them indefinitely, to trust them, and know I could be locked for the remainder of my life possibly. That is quite one hell of a realization and head trip. Knowing I might never possibly cum again ever is a scary thought. I guess more thinking is quite in order, however, it seems, with all my friends opinions on it, that I will likely have to just accept my fate.

Anticipation...

For some reason this waiting for the new belt, and new life, is so agonizing at times its making me nuts. I want the belt here, want it on, want to hand over the keys. Ok, well that last part I am still in a turmoil about of course. This waiting has me back and forth about who and what to do with my keys/locks. Do I want to be locked in permanently? Do I need that? Truth be told, I have mixed emotions about it all. Some days I am quite calm and at peace, or even excited and aroused. Others I sit here in panic mode, thinking "what the hell are you thinking with this?". Before my belt gets here I will chat some more with my other friends seeking some guidance and advice.

While talking to all of my best friends over the last 10 days or so, every one of them, straight or gay, single or married, came to one indisputable fact, that they all think I need to be locked in the belt long term. So all of them know, they all think that is the right path for me. Given the variety of relationship types and backgrounds, that says a lot. They are not telling me this simply they think its what I need to hear. They are giving me their honest opinion on what they know of me. I want to talk with each of them more and pick their brains and see why they think that and what they advise me to do. They all seemed to agree that I have been much happier when locked long term, and honestly cannot give me a reason NOT to be locked permanently.

Well I am not sure what will happen. I know I want to wear my belt, and am better when the control is there and no keys are available. So there needs to be someone in charge of the keys. It is simply a matter of how long the belt remains on. This is something I need to figure out. I need to spend some more of this agonizing time pondering the issue and trying to either come to peace with the already setup permanent chastity deal, or figure out if there is a better alternative for myself. I will post here as my thoughts tend to overrun my brain and get all jumbled. Ciao for now!

Decision...

Well ok, it has been a few days since I posted but that time has not been wasted in the least. I have spent a lot of time thinking, talking to ALL my best friends, and doing my best to figure it all out as to what I need to do. I have gotten some great insight from unexpected sources, things that actually helped calm me and make this decision easier. Some friends have said that I need to be in my belt, and yes I do agree. Also they have said I need to be locked permanently, and while that thought is scary, it makes a lot of sense to me for reasons I will detail below.

First I realized I do not orgasm often even when free of a belt, in fact I prefer anal sex, and am a true bottom submissive gay boy. Secondly, I do love the feeling of being locked in a belt, it is a win-win, I get to feel that control, and the belt keeps my sex drive under control and interesting. Third, once I get past a certain point, about 100-110 days for me, I level off and get this smooth, pleasant constant awareness and arousal I can only describe as a floating feeling. Next, as I am not likely to get married or have children, there is no need for me to be free of a belt. Also for me, I feel happier and more focused on tasks, personal health, and more while locked, and when I have been free of a belt, I am in some form of depression.

So all that being said, while I am nervous about the thought of the belt being permanent, I am also surprisingly calm about knowing this is indeed the best thing for me. My friends will also have my best interests in mind, so if something happens that causes a change, or this whole exercise becomes detrimental to me, they will do what is my best interest in either letting me free from the belt for a while, or releasing me permanently. Also they are the ones who know if I am sick or in medical distress, so again, having these 2 friends keep the keys, and having them enforce the belt, is what I need, and is the best thing for me.

So currently, I am in my small Lori Tube. My last orgasm was May 15th, 2010, and I am planning on staying chaste from here on out. Between now and when the new Neosteel gets here in July will be the toughest time. Once the new belt arrives, I will remove the Lori Tube, and then will start adjusting the new Neosteel. Once it is comfy and I am used to it and adapted to it, then the keys will be handed over, and that belt will be locked and a numbered wire seal put in place, hopefully for good. I feel that if I maintain my current chaste state, It will make my time to get to a calmer state in the neosteel much shorter. This has been an internal struggle as to the question of do I orgasm between now and the new neosteel getting here, a last meal so to speak? Or should I just stay as is. My goal is to stay as is, but if I fail and do orgasm between now and the new belt, that will be even more compelling evidence that I need this control.

Also as the new belt is a fixed hip size, I will need to maintain my diet to keep it so that I don't add weight, thereby making the belt too tight to wear. So yet another benefit of this situation. After 17 years of interest in belts, and having worn one most of the last 10 years, I think that I am truly at the point where this is the best thing for me. The goal is permanent chastity, belt never coming off again. As we all know, there is a substantial chance that I may have to end this due to a medical issue, as I have a lot of years in front of me. But if all goes well, I will indeed remain chaste permanently. Another benefit is that any guy who dates me will know I am locked and cannot orgasm, (but can still be made love to anally). This way, any person who wants to be with me will have to accept that part of me as well.

So here I am, admitting finally that I do need to be locked permanently. And indeed the groundwork is laid to make this a reality. I will try to write in this post often to share my feelings, and keep everyone updated as I progress thru this path laid out before me. Again, this is NOT fantasy, not fiction, this is indeed a true blog with how my life is.

Post I wrote...

I wrote this post for another forum over at lockedm4m.net, but wanted to copy it here for all of you to read too...
(Their site is http://www.lockedm4m.net/ and this was posted in the forum segment 'locked life' )



Ok first let me start by saying for most people, most of the time, this is purely fantasy. I also do agree that in most relationships, a permanent lockdown does give the power to the wearer in regards to this concept. Also I do agree with other blogs that life changes, that we cannot predict major life changes, major injuries, etc. And for most while the idea of permanent chastity is a fantasy that they use to get themselves aroused, others are scared of the thought, or dismiss it wholly.

Now some about me, I am a single, gay sub/bottom male living in the Mormon Holyland of Utah behind the Zion Curtain. I live alone, have been thru a major disability, and have had quite possibly a life many could never understand. I have not had a boyfriend in over 6 years, nor even a play partner in more than 5 years. Not for looking, have I been alone, but lets face it, I am at the point where things relationship-wise are at a standstill. I am not willing to compromise on what I want in a BF, and until I find it, something has to change. I have found that for me, even when able to JO, I don't, only cumming once a month or less. In fact my time spent setting my personal record in my old Neosteel was the happiest time in my life. I was more-or-less self locked for most of that term of 2 years, 2 months, and 22 days. In fact it may have never ended were it not for a Dom friend online catching me in a weak moment. For me the control IS the arousal. I know that is not the case for 90% of the guys out there. For most, having a BF/KH/Wife/etc. keep them locked and the denial is the erotic foreplay to a great play session. For me that is not the case.

I have been into several fetishes ever since I can remember, recreational orthopedics (casting/braces/wheelchairs) since I was a young kid, bondage also, even when I was little. I was always the one who wanted to be the "bad guy" and get tied up by the sheriff. When I got a bit older and the internet became a major source of info, while I was in High School, then, I found out about Chastity Belts, and the idea immediately aroused me. Many of my fantasies were born then. I do love bondage, being restrained (the tighter and more elaborate, and emcompassing, the better), and even link my casting fetish to medical bondage. It is just the way I am. It is also part of why it is so hard for me to find a BF that is close in age, and someone with similar interests. For the last 15-17 years, I have been loving chastity belts, and have worn one for probably 80% of the last 10 years or more. My first being a Curve, then getting more and more serious about it. Going from the plastic ones to a Lori Tube, then even to full belts (Neosteel's work better for me).

Recently (about 15 days ago) I ordered my new neosteel. When I did place the order, knowing I need to be in a full belt control wise, my best friend, a straight mormon boy, who does know all about my activities and fetishes (he does not care in the least), even said "I think being belted long term again is a good thing for you. You need that." The he offered to keep the keys safe from me, in order to prevent a repeat of my record lockdown from before, more particularly the way it ended. The end of that term, left me with some depression and a lot of regret. My friend suggested I should go no less than the old record and we do know I am able to handle that, as he was around as a friend when I was in that last term. He also said that once we make an agreement, whatever the term is, that will be it. A few days ago he asked me IF I wanted out at all, which that aroused me beyond all question. Here it is, the ideal of permanent lockdown.

Now we do all know that in order for this to be true, 100% permanent lockdown, it would be a feat of the human body. I am 32 years old, and the chances that the belt will have to be removed at some point for medical or something, are significant. So since my friend and I will agree to a term before, and I will spell it out in terms on paper, covering all the issues that could arise. But at the end of the day, he agrees that permanent lockdown seems to be the right path. He has known me for a long time, and does understand more than just about anyone else I know. So I guess let me spell out how this situation will work. At this point, he will come take the keys once I am settled in the belt, and that will be it. To be honest, I eagerly await that moment. Here is a look at how the rules will play out in this...

The belt will be worn indefinitely. One key will be kept with the KH (my friend), and one will be in a keypad safe here in my home, to which he will set the combo with me not in the room. It has an 8 digit combo code, so there is no random code trial to get out. Then the key, AND a photo of the belt, with the numbered wire seal, will go into the safe, and it will be closed. At that point there is no going back (more or less, will elaborate in a few). I will indeed be in a situation where the goal is permanent chastity (yes, I am aware of the medical issues, and will cover that below as well). There will be no release under normal circumstances just to play. The belt will be for all purposes locked on for good.

Now I do know there are situations both medically and mentally where things may require release due to extreme distress. That is the reason for the safe and him having a key as well. In an emergency, there is a way to still get out. Should the belt need to be removed for a temporary condition, medically, and will be able to be put back on, then I am obligated to do so. My KH can also end the agreement at any time due to "Major Life Changes (ie. marriage of one of us, moving, etc)". But barring a major life change, or medical or severe mental issue, the belt will indeed remain locked. In order to provide a safety say for me, we have put in a "release program" clause too, which says at the 3 year mark, I can choose to end the agreement, but to prevent a weak moment decision, I would remain locked for 1-2 years (time TBD) as a cooling off period, to ponder the choice to end, and to either change my mind and stay locked, or remain on the cooldown until the belt comes off.

I highly doubt I will make use of that clause, as I want to be locked, but it is there anyways, as a responsible thing to do. Short of that, medical, mental or life changes, I will remain chaste as long as the belt can remain on. The ideal goal in this is permanent chastity, and that is what the thought process needs to be as in my mind, as once locked, it is doubtful I will be out again. I have talked with my physicians, and they agree, that as long as I am monitoring the prostate health, and the skin health, I could remain locked indefinitely. I am a former EMT, hospital ortho-tech, and home healthcare patient tech, so health is not a mystery to me, and I do know if its time to call it health-wise.

My friend, being straight, will not be doing much checking on the belt, just the wire seal from time to time, but then again, he does have the keys safe, so not like I could do much anyways. Also I ordered a custom collar from Neosteel, matched to my belt, and in our agreement, while at home I will wear the collar as well, and also will wear it from time to time out in public. None of that scares me. In fact, I am quite happy about this all. As for me, these things give me arousal, and as a gay bottom sub, anal sex (even if with a dildo) is more pleasurable to me anyways. I know I am a unique person in my situations, and doubt many out there can understand. I am also sure I will see the typical comments about "what if, or this is fake, or permanent chastity doesn't exist, etc." Let me assure you this IS the real deal, and my real life, and I for one want to be in a belt for the rest of my life non-stop if able. I hope you all read this and enjoy my self-inflicted predicament, as I will be enjoying it. If someone out there is also in a permanent lock-down, I would love to hear an account of how you came to the choice to be locked forever.

Changes, Medical and More...

Well there have been a few changes over the last few days to plans and stuff, not any that will result in my not being locked, in fact quite the opposite. First I found out that the on the Neosteel Male Hip Sport belt, the plugs made for the rear cable, require the belt to be off to put the plug on the cable or take it off. Whereas I will not be able to take the belt on and off, as the keys will not be here at all, I guess that plug is out then. Neosteel cancelled that off the order. So any prostate stimulation will have to be done with my other plugs and stuff I already have here. No biggie, just will make some difference in the plans.

Also I chose to go with my local friend instead of my old master from the UK, there were just some stipulations in the deal with my old master, that while the plan originally sounded the fantasy, some subtle details just didn't work for me. Part of the deal with being my old master's alpha was obedience, and while he said I could do a ton of tattoos, he would not let me do piercings. For me, I used to have my septum pierced, and wanted to get it redone. Especially if I was in a situation where I was needing to be submissive, the septum piercing actually made me feel more submissive. I would have thought that a master would be ok with the piercing IF it helped the sub get more into the right frame of mind. But alas, this is one thing, that some may say is a minor thing, or that I should do whatever he asks. But when we are dealing with these kinds of things before we even start, that ruins the desire to go the extra mile for him. So I chose to just remain with my friend keeping the keys. He is close, and has said that whatever plan we line out, is it, if the belt goes on permanently, well I will have no choice.

Yesterday I had a checkup at my pain medicine clinic, to refill my medications. My doctor there is one of the few I trust implicitly. When it comes to difficult questions, she has always been there. So after we got done with things, I brought up the health in chastity subject to her. We discussed several things including skin care and prostate health. She told me then, that as long as the skin is not an issue, and the prostate remains healthy, there is no reason that I could not remain in the belt indefinitely. Well seems like that excuse is now out too eh? ;)

I have started working on a few different plans, the main one is a good deal I think, but still working on it. Most likely, the plan would be that once the belt goes on, it stays on permanently, with the exception at 3 years, I will be given a choice to continue to continue in the belt, or to initiate a release program, in which the belt would still remain on 2 more years, but then that would be it. This cooling down period is to eliminate the chance that something happened like my record setting term from before where in a weak moment, I was talked into playing, and did right then, with major regret afterwards. The goal behind this plan is for the belt to be permanent, however if there is a major medical or mental need, or a major life change, then my friend who will have the keys can stop the agreement on behalf of either of us. Is wearing the belt permanently the rest of my life possible, if there was no major health issues, then yes it could be. Will it? Only time will tell.

I could still choose just the 3 year term if i wanted only, and go from there, and that is still possible too. I have a week or 2 to make a decision. As long as things are lined out before my friend comes and takes the keys, then I can have some say in the rules, but if I were to wait too long, then if no lined out agreement exists when the keys are taken, then the belt will become permanent with me and I will have no say at all regarding anything... I guess that is one heck of a motivation to not procrastinate.

Well for the moment, that is everything that has changed. Seems like the net result has not, and I even have been told medically that I should be fine to go on in a belt indefinitely. For some reason, I am particularly calm about this probability. Who knows...

Options...

Well it seems I am a victim of my own devious mind. So when I ordered the new belt, of course I told my friends, some of who are kinky, others not. They all know about me and my desires. They appreciate my honesty in fact. Well as soon as I had the new belt ordered, I was talking with one of my friends, a straight guy here about 3 miles away. His roommate is actually someone I met years ago as a caster. My friend (not the caster one, but the straight one), and I were talking about it and he said that he would be glad to keep my keys safe. COOL!! After some more conversation, he said "I know you need to be in the belt, once the new one comes and you are in it and adjusted to it, the keys will come to me regardless". *yipe*

Well that solves the issue of key control, no cheating on my term. He and I agreed that we would go either until a set time had expired, or until I really, really needed out. No plans beyond that. After some chat we decided the safest thing to do was to get one of the keypad operated safes, and put it in my closet, and then he sets the combo to it, one key goes in there, the other goes with him. That way in an emergency, there is access either via him texting a code, or being here to open the CB. Ok so that was solved. Keys out of control, check!

The next day my old KH/master from the UK and I were chatting, and he made me a tempting offer, to be one of his Alpha's again (was before, but that is a story for another post). However there were stipulations...

1) The matched collar from Neosteel is to be worn always at home, and may be required out in public.
2) The plug will be worn 80% of the time (about 20 hours a day).
3) Indefinite (read: permanent) Chastity

Yes, there it is in black and white, permanent chastity. Talk about an offer! This is the fantasy for me, but the question is am I ready for that? Also given that my belt will have the seal bolts, there will be no doubt to anyone that I cannot cheat, this thing with the seal bolts will happen no matter which person I choose. So later that day I was talking to my friend here, and told him about the offer, and he said "Well if you do not take his offer to be his Alpha, you will just have to break your record." Ummmm, whoa! So 3 years (his time to break the record) or permanent. No other choices. Talk about a mind fuck! Here is where I should insert something about be careful what you wish for. It scares me totally, but also arouses me. After all, I am wearing my Lori Tube till the new Neosteel gets here. God talk about what a choice.

So I decided that I needed to make a counter-offer to my old KH in the UK, so it is a possibility of something like this...

2 years no questions, total submission and chastity, collar, plug, as he asks. After 2 years, we re-evaluate the situation. If we find it is not working for one reason or another, we split however not without penalty.

1) Mutual Split - I would still owe my other friend here 3 years, total is 5 years, plug and collar up to wearer. This is if I was a good slave, and did all he wished, but we decided to split.
2) Minor Transgression - I would have 3 years added when turned back to my friend here, plus plug and collar would resume as before.
3) Mid-Level Transgressions - My time would be increased by 5 or 8 years (time TBD), collar all the time at home, some out in public, but plug only 6 hours a day.
4) Major Transgression - Total Failure - This would result in the belt remaining permanent, collar also permanent (except family events), plug 23 hours a day.

Of course he loved this offer. Somehow I am not sure my "Out" is as good as I initially thought. The scale fortunately is based on performance. If I was a prefect slave for 2 years, the escape clause has a penalty, albeit a severe one to many, it is much less than permanent. I am also going to recommend a reward system, such as if I wore the collar and plug (out for potty only) for 2 solid months, that gets me bonus points to neutralize any transgressions.

So after he accepted, I called my friend and talked to him again, and he reasurred me that I needed to be locked, and whatever rules were in place, would be followed no if's and's or but's. The only instant out is severe medical or psychological distress. Depending on the need of that medical or mental issue, it is either a temporary out (in the event of surgery) or permanent out. That "out" falls with both people. Yes, I know this is getting complex, but before I am done, I am sure it will get much worse.

Of course there is the possability that if I go with my friend here, for 3 (or maybe 5, as I may up it to double my record), that I may not want out of the belt at all. If that is the case, we will flip a coin, Heads = double the previous time added Tails = permanent chastity. This is not a for sure thing, but its something I am considering having him add. Something deep down inside me is telling me once the belt is locked, I am gonna want it locked a long time anyways so, permanent control and orgasm denial may be the best thing from the start. I guess I will have many restless nights pondering this.

History Part 4

Ok so, I was in the doldrums now, not wearing a CB much, just here and there some. My Neosteel Hip Total that had served me well, had grown too small in my time away, and was sold. I was about as low as I had been years ago when the world was crashing down. Sure I put on a good show to my friends and family, but inside I was a mess. Then in December 2009, I once again figured it out. My happiest time in my adult life was when I was locked in my Neosteel belt indefinitely. I knew at once I needed to be in a belt. So in moments I pulled out my Lori Tube, put it on and put the keys out of quick hands temptation. I knew what I really needed though.

I needed to be in a Neosteel again. The problem, my old belt was gone, and wouldn't have fit anyways. I had to find a belt out there I could get, or order a new one. I had to raise money for it. Over the last few months, I have sold some old braces, wheelchairs, and old stuff that was from right after I got hurt, keeping my main chair, main braces, and a backup set. Thru this I was able to afford to get a new belt, but what to get? I knew I really wanted a Reinholds belt, but lets face it, I am not going to travel from Utah to Europe to get fitted, that would make the belt cost way more than I could ever afford. I had loved my Neosteel Male Hip Total, however now my skin is a bit more fragile from all the years in the wheelchair, and there was a risk of skin break down. So in frustration, I emailed Reinhold Mende at Neosteel, and started a dialogue with him.

After some lengthy emails with him, chat with my old KH/friend in the UK, and tons of reading it seemed that we had an answer. I would order a Neosteel Male Hip Total. I knew I also wanted to get the Climate Tube, as well as I was going to order the Seal Bolts, so the belt could be ensured it had not been removed. Also as I had a plug for the old belt, I wanted the same for this one, so I did that with the sport too. Finally, I had been dreaming of the neosteel collar that matched the belt, I wanted one of those too. After doing all the measurements, I ordered the new belt, collar, plug and all the options I wanted. Now it was time to start in earnest!

History Part 3

So here I am now, in my steel Lori Tube, with the keys in the hands of the of the most gorgeous guy I have ever met. Talk about arousal! Since we lived a distance from where Pride was, we went back to my hotel, where he teased me for hours, before finally letting me out of the Lori to orgasm, It was probably the most earth shattering orgasm of my life to that point. I knew what I wanted right then and there. I wanted to be with Bruce, wanted to be locked, wanted to be in bondage, and here I could have it. Before I knew what was happening, I blurted out, "Will you go with me!" (OK, kinda corny, I know, but I was not in control). He thought for a few, and just when I thought I was a moron and this gorgeous young guy was gonna say no, he said "As long as you wear this (points to the Lori), then yes I am yours." WOW!

Needless to say, we had an amazing weekend at pride. At first I was an oddity. Someone wanted to see the Lori, so while there in the bar, I pulled the pants down a bit, which then inspired a few others to want to see it, before it was all done, most of the people in there had seen it ( yes it was a gay bar). There were mostly comments in favor of it, some even saying how sexy it was. Sunday night as we left the event, Bruce and I were gonna see each other the next weekend, he said, while bouncing my keys on his hand... 'I think you can make it till Friday night, I will just keep these". Oh My God! What did I do go get that lucky. All week I was going nuts, and when the weekend came, it was more than I had hoped, bondage with the CB, sex, all of it. Sunday night we were looking online, when Bruce found the Neosteel site in my bookmarks. He looks at me and says "This would be more comfortable for long term chastity". Man I was lucky. I was not so sure about ordering one so I began to ask people I knew, and eventually, a guy I knew in the UK said he had a belt that would fit me, without having to order it, and would sell it to us at half the new cost. My excitement got the best of me, and 2 weeks later, a full Neosteel total was sitting in front of me. Bruce was across the room grinning like the cat that just caught the mouse. I made some adjustments to the fit of the belt, then put it on and clicked the lock. Instantly, I knew that was how I should have been all along. All my years had come to that point.

I was still having issues with my back, but Bruce and I were happy, me in the CB all the time, sometimes for up to 6 weeks, while we would see each other each weekend. Finally my back was causing enough issues to impact my life majorly, and things began to worsen health-wise. About 6 months after being with Bruce, and maybe 9 months after my injury, I was having major issues. I started pushing options to get an answer. There had to be something to do. Eventually I came upon a surgeon who seemed to care and he started looking at all the previous studies and MRI's and stuff. He had new MRI's done, and found some major damage to my spinal cord. At about this same time, all of the sudden Bruce became kind of distant. I had come out about being gay to family members, most of them, except my dad. That early life set of comments he made never left my mind. Bruce began leaving the keys to my CB with me when he went home from the weekend, and just was distant. Then one day he called and wanted to break up. That was it, and after a few more calls I found out I had been cheated on. I was crushed, he was gone, I was alone again, my family was in turmoil, my mother could not believe I was gay, and then came the news that my cord did indeed have some major damage, and required surgery. I was already in a wheelchair most of the time, unable to walk far. and the days got worse and worse. I had my surgery, no belt on of course for a few weeks. Just when I thought it couldn't get worse, it did, my best friend since I was maybe 6, was killed. I was at the end of my rope. I put my belt back on, and it was my only comfort.

For several months I was in a deep deep depression, to the point of suicidal. Somehow I never managed to finish it. Then one day, I was putting my belt back on after running it thru the dishwasher to clean it, I realized that I needed to find a future for myself within my limits. Many sports were out, I had grown up skiing, riding ATV's and snowmobiles, and was very active. Now that was gone, what could I focus on? I held the answer in my hands. My Fetishes! I could still wear the belt, once healed from the surgery, I could still do bondage, and I could still do the rec. ortho stuff. In that moment of my greatest depression, I realized that my Neosteel belt had been carrying me thru. I went on, keeping in touch with friends, talking, chatting and browsing sites. Reading stories of long term chastity on a guy had a majorly arousing effect on me. I did some extended chastity terms, a few months at a time. Then I found a place where I could go, to help with my paralysis. A guy in Utah was running a program for people to learn to walk in braces. On a short notice, I picked up and moved to Utah, leaving my home in Idaho to be simply a vacation home. Not long after getting to Utah, I began to also pick up my activity in my fetishes. More casting and bondage. And I wore my belt nearly all the time. It was then, a few months after getting to Utah, that my belt went on with the idea of going as long as I could. My friend online in the UK was telling me what to do there, keys stayed in my nightstand, due to my health. Little did I know this event would transform me even more. I went to the gym in my belt, my doctor knew, as he was helping to monitor my health, especially with the prostate, and I even wore the belt to Physical Therapy. My therapist there said "now there is something you don't see every day". Toward the end of that particular conversation he said without prompting "Are you comfortable in that belt? You do not need to remove it for anything as far as I can tell, so make sure you keep it on as long as you want."

Huh?!?!?! Wow, so my family doctor is telling me with the way my plumbing is functioning, there in no need for the belt to come off, as I could clean the skin fine, and I was leaking somewhat regularly, so no fluid buildup. My physical therapist seemed to know what I was in for, and sanctioned it too. Odd eh? Well that was to be my crowning time. I stayed in my belt much longer than even I thought possible for me. After the first 100-110 days, things leveled off, and I got into a state I can only describe as "Constant Pleasant Mild Arousal". There became a point where I considered wearing the belt forever. Most of the time I had the plug locked in the rear of the belt too. After a long time,my personal record of 2 years, 2 months and 22 days in fact, a Dom friend, who was kinda the boss at the time, called me and wanted me to play that night. He talked me into taking the belt off for the first time in forever. Looking back I know it was most likely one of the rare weak moments, and I relented. Lets just say that the orgasm was not that spectacular. I kinda thought, after all that time, that was it? I kinda lost interest in everything kinky at that one moment. I put the belt in he closet, and over the next 6 months was in and out of my Neosteel and my Lori Tube, never for more than a week or 2 tops. But it just did not have the same excitement that I had when I was in the Neosteel indefinitely. Over the next 14 months, things got worse, I just didn't care about kink anymore. I lost contact with many on the internet, people I had talked to for years wondered where I had gone. I was back in a low point again. (Continued Part 4)

History Part 2

Ok so as I said in the last post, these few history posts are intended as a look at my life, and why I am the way I am. Please bear with me as I muddle thru this history to get to more current day events.

So here I was in new territory, single again, admittedly gay (to myself), kinky, and alone. I was scared. Well I knew of some sites online where I might meet others. There was some time here that I will share in another post. Some history that is very painful to me, a few years where life took some unexpected turns to make me who I am. As far as these years, I will just in this post note that my love for chastity, bondage and stuff blossomed for me. Please see the post titled "Why I am who I am". It will cover the in-between years. Finally in late 2003, my new home that I had built on some land I owned was nearing completion, when my life changed again forever.

I was helping a friend take some stuff to the landfill, old sofas, garbage, stuff that had been in his garage. We had slid the loveseat to the end of his truck bed, jumped over the front of the bed, then flipped it out into the garbage pile. Then we went to my truck to do the same. As I pulled the sofa to the end of the tailgate, from the side, so twisting sideways under a load, I felt what I can only describe as a major pulled muscle in my back. It hurt like heck, but I helped get the sofa out. Then we went back to my place, and I went with him to test drive new trucks he was looking at. After about the 4th or 5th truck we drove, I was in agony, so we went back to my place. I laid down on the bed, while he hung out and watched TV. I woke at 8pm in total agony, tears streaming down my face, I yelled for help, and my friend came running. He helped me sit upright, I could not do it on my own. I knew something was wrong, this was no pulled muscle. I went to the doctor that monday, and he was not sure, but maybe some minor disc issues. He gave me a cloth brace and some pain killers and said to relax, and take it easy. Somehow I didn't trust that, so by friday, I was at a neurosurgeon in Idaho Falls. They did MRI's and found that I had some herniated discs in my mid back. (T9-10 and 11-12 to be exact). I was given a full back brace and was told that no one around would do surgery given the location. I needed to do some therapy and work to get things strong. I went along and a month later, my new home was finished. Several friends came and helped me move. Me in my big brace couldn't do much. So once I was settled in things began to seem better. I was in my first home that was mine, I was dealing with being gay, life was good except the pain in my back.

One of my gay friends made me go to a camp event, in my brace. He said I needed to get out. I met tons of cute guys, but one I could not bring myself to talk to was gorgeous. I also had some lesbian friends there too, one of them was still married to her hubby, who was a piercer, so I got told if I ever wanted anything to just let them know. I went home that weekend happy, having made tons of friends, all whom were gay or lesbian, some very cute, and some more kinky than me. I spent more and more time in my plastic CB before that weekend, but had wanted to order a steel one. Monday after the camp, I was online and ordered my first Lori Tube. No I didn't have the PA yet, but that was no issue. So I submitted the order, and called my friends to schedule a piercing appointment. They said sure, comedown tonight. So I did. They lived about 120 miles away, so I drove to the shop they all 3 owned. It was just at closing time. I paid for the ring for the PA, they didn't charge me for the piercing. My friends hubby finished the last piercings of the day, and closed the door, while the girls went to get some dinner for us all real fast. We talked and soon the girls were back, so we ate first. As soon as we were done, I went back to the "chair" for the piercing. My lesbian friends wanted to watch, so I let them, who cares right? As soon as I was down on the table and lower half was showing, I got a little nervous. Aroused at first, which is not great for doing a PA, then I realized I was surrounded by a bunch of people, which embarrassed me, and as soon as I got soft, he did the piercing. It hurt for a few seconds, but was not biggie. They sent me home, and it barely bled or anything. I could not wear a CB till the piercing healed, so about 6 weeks, which worked out well, as that was the time the Lori Tube took to arrive.

The day the Lori arrived, I was so excited, it took 2 hours to get it on the first time. My whole reaction can be summed up in one word, WOW!!! My good friend, Jer (will keep names out of the blog as much as I can), who convinced me to go to the camp, and was my first gay friend, called me and said Pride was starting tomorrow, and he wanted me to go. I was not sure, but when he responded "If you are not on the way in 2 hours, I will drive up there to the ranch and duct tape you into a mummy to bring you down here!" How can you argue with that? I wore my new lori, with the keys on a chain around my neck. I got to the pride event, and saw lots of friends, and then it occurred to me, I wondered if that gorgeous guy from camp would be there. I asked my lesbian friends about him since they knew him, and they said his name was Bruce. I asked if they had any idea if he was going to be there at pride, I really had thought a lot about him in the last few months. As if on cue, he walked up behind me saying "did I hear my name?". Now I had no choice but to talk to him, which I did. We talked a lot and I told him about my fetishes and stuff. I figured here was a gorgeous guy here staring at me, who wants to be with me of all the people in the world, so I had better be honest with him. Later that night, we were standing there watching the band, while he looked down at my crotch, then grabbed my CB, jut driving me nuts. Then he proceeded to do something I will never forget. He removed the chain around my neck, saying "These are mine for later tonight". I was in love! (Continued in Part 3)

History Part 1

Please bear with my as I write these first few posts. I feel they are important to others looking to understand, sympathize, or at least comprehend what my life has been and will continue to be about. I grew up in a great home, loved my parents as much as any boy could. However when I was young, I knew I was different in so many ways. First as a young boy, I found one of my lifetime loves in casts/braces/wheelchairs, in other words, recreational orthopedics (aka rec. ortho). I would see friends in casts, and feel something different, wish I could have one, etc. So that has been with me a very long time. Also when I was younger, I often got teased, my middle initial is F, so you can see where this is going. By the time I hit high school, I began to know I was gay, but did my best to hide that from everyone but myself. I grew up in a small town of about 5000 people. Everyone knew everyone when I was younger, and if you saw something out of the ordinary, it was shunned. In fact I can remember being in high school, as a freshman, when my father came home fuming about something. He was ranting about "How dare they!" and "What is this world coming to", and most disturbingly, "If it were legal, I would run them out of town". Well you see, he had seen some women in town who were in fact lesbians, walking down the sidewalk holding hands. This one single event has impacted my life more than most would guess. I knew I had to hide who I was, if my father ever found out, it would destroy our family.

It was about this time, my sophomore year, when the internet really took off (1992-94 era) as a form of sharing things resulting in a huge wealth of knowledge in all sorts of categories. We had a computer before that sure, an old x286. This was the time that the 486 was the way to go, apples were the only things used in schools, etc. I had managed to get our old 286 online as a junior in high school and began to go from site to site, bbs to bbs, and soaking up info as only a horny young gay man can. I came across sites on bondage, casting, chastity belts (a pretty minor thing at that time), and many more that influenced me later in life. I also found others that creeped me out, and just weren't for me. I found myself getting aroused at the picture of a man in a cast or bondage, yet felt no such desire to see an image of a woman in the same scenario. I felt though that I could "fix" this, that I could become "normal". So my senior year I started dating. She was nice, we both stayed virgins thru the relationship, and enjoyed each others presence. She even moved to attend the same school as I did. Well that relationship died just a few weeks after college started. I just could not deal with it at the time.

I returned to my computer more often for the next 2 years, gaming, web browsing, chatting, etc. I started to try some things I read about at that time online that aroused me (NOTE: Icy Hot on the male genitals HURTS LIKE HELL!!!). Yet again, I found myself being aroused at the male things, and not at the female ones. I also was seeing more references to chastity belts in the bondage sites. The thought of having my sex locked away from me was so arousing, that be came one of my main powerful masturbation fantasies. After 2 years at college, playing mens volleyball, trying to just survive classes, being single, playing in my room at night, I blew out my knee during volleyball practice one day. At the end of the semester, I went home to have the knee rebuilt. Good thing about this was the braces, both the post op, and the functional knee brace I would have to wear while active from there on out. My rec. ortho side was kinda happy.

The year was now 1998, I was home, and working at a shop in town, new truck, doing small town stuff (bowling a lot), and trying once again to mostly suppress my personal urges. In my own personal world, I did my best to hide my interests, while out in the real world, I once again decided to try dating again. I started dating an older woman, and found I was able to confide in her. One night, I was sitting there, next to her, and she said she wanted to have sex. I was 18, and thinking to myself, well here it comes, time to find out. She knew of my bondage desire, and to make it easier she used that to help. Some rope and handcuffs, and soon, I was no longer a virgin. Well, that wasn't so bad I thought. Still preferred seeing men online, but did my best to enjoy the sex. She was ok with the pics of men, she loved them too. After a while, I started to tire of her "needyness" which I know is not a word, but best way I can describe her. Sure the sex was ok, but it still did not feel right. So we split.

I went back to my online life, but was now living out of the house, in an apartment at our family business's shop. So I was on my own. I was able to finally participate in casting, bondage, stuff you cannot do at home. After a month or 2, a friend came to stay with me for a few months, he needed a job, and I had a spot in the family business for him. He was kind of kinky too, but more dominant. We talked a lot about this and that. I showed him many of my favorite pics and sites. Finally one night, he decided we should try out some bondage. So 6 hours later, after some very strict tormenting bondage, we were both happy. He was not gay, but instead was bi. He preferred the ladies, but was good with playing with guys too. In the few months he was there, we did bondage often. It was amazing. Time passed and he had to leave. Late in 1999, I decide I would once again try to go with a lady. My one last attempt at being who society said I should be. We were together, and eventually I confessed my desires to her about bondage, chastity belts, and such. She liked the idea, especially if it would help me perform for her sexually so she could get off too. I knew something was wrong after some time, when i just could not perform sexually normally, so she started restraining me for sex. Which did work, for a while at least. Eventually we bought a first chastity device, the Curve. I loved the denial, and between that and the bondage, things were ok again. For a while at least, we were happy, but began to drift apart. At that point I knew what it was, I was and am gay, and no matter how hard I try, the bondage and other fantasies only can compensate for so long. So We finally split and once again I was in my own, but this time in new territory... (Continued in Part 2)

New Blog

Well here it is, a new blog, about a new time in my life of chastity. After having done a 2 year, 2 months, 22 day long period a few years ago, I took a break after I had my release, and in time was loathe to go back into the belt, even though I was wearing all for myself. Over the last 2 years, during this break time, I was in and out of chastity some, wearing my Lori Tube as my old Neosteel Total wouldnt fit anymore. In and out over the last 2 years. That is, until the start of this year. I had the spark of wearing a chastity belt rekindled. Since the first of the year, I have been in my Lori Tube full time, out only every 5-6 weeks for release. During this time I had been saving for a new full belt. Well yesterday, I had a great boost to my chastity life. I was able to get more than enough saved up to buy my new Neosteel Male Hip Sport. The order is all done, money paid, now it is just wait time. I figured, I would wear my Lori Tube until the new Neosteel gets here, so I will post my thoughts on the Lori for you, on waiting for the new belt, on its arrival, getting it fitted, and then my life locked up thereafter. I hope you enjoy this blog as it goes along, I will try to update it as often as I can.

idahochastity