No News Is... Agonizing

Well I haven't written for a little bit, not a whole lot here has changed. I am still waiting for my new Neosteel. I expect it sometime in the next 3-4 weeks hopefully. Other than that, am still locked down 100% in the Lori Tube. It gets frustrating and tormenting at times. It has now been over a month since I "played" (May 15th 2010). I have been in fairly constant turmoil about my new belt, and the term it means once on. On my bad days I sit here thinking "what the hell are you thinking?!?!" while on the better days I am excited, albeit nervous about the new belt and impending long term lockdown. I have been seeking advice from many friends, asking what they think, am I doing the right thing, and it seems there must be a conspiracy to keep me locked for good. Every one of my friends has said that I need to be locked indefinitely, that I am doing the right thing, to suck it up and deal with it, and other comments along the same lines. Not one friend has said "well I would not do it, or do something much less". Only a few even seemed to think I needed a "release clause" in my agreement. The others have said that I need to trust my KH's to do the right thing, and trust that if I really needed out due to some major depression or injury, that they would let me out if needed. That is the hardest point in all of this, trust. I have been hurt emotionally times by supposed friends that it makes me more wary of trust. I do trust my KH friends with my life totally, and for some reason that is easier than trusting anyone with my keys. At this point though, it seems that is the only option, to give up the keys to them indefinitely, to trust them, and know I could be locked for the remainder of my life possibly. That is quite one hell of a realization and head trip. Knowing I might never possibly cum again ever is a scary thought. I guess more thinking is quite in order, however, it seems, with all my friends opinions on it, that I will likely have to just accept my fate.

Anticipation...

For some reason this waiting for the new belt, and new life, is so agonizing at times its making me nuts. I want the belt here, want it on, want to hand over the keys. Ok, well that last part I am still in a turmoil about of course. This waiting has me back and forth about who and what to do with my keys/locks. Do I want to be locked in permanently? Do I need that? Truth be told, I have mixed emotions about it all. Some days I am quite calm and at peace, or even excited and aroused. Others I sit here in panic mode, thinking "what the hell are you thinking with this?". Before my belt gets here I will chat some more with my other friends seeking some guidance and advice.

While talking to all of my best friends over the last 10 days or so, every one of them, straight or gay, single or married, came to one indisputable fact, that they all think I need to be locked in the belt long term. So all of them know, they all think that is the right path for me. Given the variety of relationship types and backgrounds, that says a lot. They are not telling me this simply they think its what I need to hear. They are giving me their honest opinion on what they know of me. I want to talk with each of them more and pick their brains and see why they think that and what they advise me to do. They all seemed to agree that I have been much happier when locked long term, and honestly cannot give me a reason NOT to be locked permanently.

Well I am not sure what will happen. I know I want to wear my belt, and am better when the control is there and no keys are available. So there needs to be someone in charge of the keys. It is simply a matter of how long the belt remains on. This is something I need to figure out. I need to spend some more of this agonizing time pondering the issue and trying to either come to peace with the already setup permanent chastity deal, or figure out if there is a better alternative for myself. I will post here as my thoughts tend to overrun my brain and get all jumbled. Ciao for now!