History Part 1

Please bear with my as I write these first few posts. I feel they are important to others looking to understand, sympathize, or at least comprehend what my life has been and will continue to be about. I grew up in a great home, loved my parents as much as any boy could. However when I was young, I knew I was different in so many ways. First as a young boy, I found one of my lifetime loves in casts/braces/wheelchairs, in other words, recreational orthopedics (aka rec. ortho). I would see friends in casts, and feel something different, wish I could have one, etc. So that has been with me a very long time. Also when I was younger, I often got teased, my middle initial is F, so you can see where this is going. By the time I hit high school, I began to know I was gay, but did my best to hide that from everyone but myself. I grew up in a small town of about 5000 people. Everyone knew everyone when I was younger, and if you saw something out of the ordinary, it was shunned. In fact I can remember being in high school, as a freshman, when my father came home fuming about something. He was ranting about "How dare they!" and "What is this world coming to", and most disturbingly, "If it were legal, I would run them out of town". Well you see, he had seen some women in town who were in fact lesbians, walking down the sidewalk holding hands. This one single event has impacted my life more than most would guess. I knew I had to hide who I was, if my father ever found out, it would destroy our family.

It was about this time, my sophomore year, when the internet really took off (1992-94 era) as a form of sharing things resulting in a huge wealth of knowledge in all sorts of categories. We had a computer before that sure, an old x286. This was the time that the 486 was the way to go, apples were the only things used in schools, etc. I had managed to get our old 286 online as a junior in high school and began to go from site to site, bbs to bbs, and soaking up info as only a horny young gay man can. I came across sites on bondage, casting, chastity belts (a pretty minor thing at that time), and many more that influenced me later in life. I also found others that creeped me out, and just weren't for me. I found myself getting aroused at the picture of a man in a cast or bondage, yet felt no such desire to see an image of a woman in the same scenario. I felt though that I could "fix" this, that I could become "normal". So my senior year I started dating. She was nice, we both stayed virgins thru the relationship, and enjoyed each others presence. She even moved to attend the same school as I did. Well that relationship died just a few weeks after college started. I just could not deal with it at the time.

I returned to my computer more often for the next 2 years, gaming, web browsing, chatting, etc. I started to try some things I read about at that time online that aroused me (NOTE: Icy Hot on the male genitals HURTS LIKE HELL!!!). Yet again, I found myself being aroused at the male things, and not at the female ones. I also was seeing more references to chastity belts in the bondage sites. The thought of having my sex locked away from me was so arousing, that be came one of my main powerful masturbation fantasies. After 2 years at college, playing mens volleyball, trying to just survive classes, being single, playing in my room at night, I blew out my knee during volleyball practice one day. At the end of the semester, I went home to have the knee rebuilt. Good thing about this was the braces, both the post op, and the functional knee brace I would have to wear while active from there on out. My rec. ortho side was kinda happy.

The year was now 1998, I was home, and working at a shop in town, new truck, doing small town stuff (bowling a lot), and trying once again to mostly suppress my personal urges. In my own personal world, I did my best to hide my interests, while out in the real world, I once again decided to try dating again. I started dating an older woman, and found I was able to confide in her. One night, I was sitting there, next to her, and she said she wanted to have sex. I was 18, and thinking to myself, well here it comes, time to find out. She knew of my bondage desire, and to make it easier she used that to help. Some rope and handcuffs, and soon, I was no longer a virgin. Well, that wasn't so bad I thought. Still preferred seeing men online, but did my best to enjoy the sex. She was ok with the pics of men, she loved them too. After a while, I started to tire of her "needyness" which I know is not a word, but best way I can describe her. Sure the sex was ok, but it still did not feel right. So we split.

I went back to my online life, but was now living out of the house, in an apartment at our family business's shop. So I was on my own. I was able to finally participate in casting, bondage, stuff you cannot do at home. After a month or 2, a friend came to stay with me for a few months, he needed a job, and I had a spot in the family business for him. He was kind of kinky too, but more dominant. We talked a lot about this and that. I showed him many of my favorite pics and sites. Finally one night, he decided we should try out some bondage. So 6 hours later, after some very strict tormenting bondage, we were both happy. He was not gay, but instead was bi. He preferred the ladies, but was good with playing with guys too. In the few months he was there, we did bondage often. It was amazing. Time passed and he had to leave. Late in 1999, I decide I would once again try to go with a lady. My one last attempt at being who society said I should be. We were together, and eventually I confessed my desires to her about bondage, chastity belts, and such. She liked the idea, especially if it would help me perform for her sexually so she could get off too. I knew something was wrong after some time, when i just could not perform sexually normally, so she started restraining me for sex. Which did work, for a while at least. Eventually we bought a first chastity device, the Curve. I loved the denial, and between that and the bondage, things were ok again. For a while at least, we were happy, but began to drift apart. At that point I knew what it was, I was and am gay, and no matter how hard I try, the bondage and other fantasies only can compensate for so long. So We finally split and once again I was in my own, but this time in new territory... (Continued in Part 2)